The shock of not being able to consummate soon after marriage

Introduction: In some cultures the test is if the couple will have their first baby within the first year of their marriage. Because of the lack of proper sex education or advice and the tremendous pressure of marriage ceremonies and expectations all create tremendous pressure and issue on the couple, especially the groom.

All names of individuals appearing in our articles, case studies, or scenarios are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

In many cultures the yard stick of a successful marriage start immediately after the first night if the couple had intimate relations or not. If they are unable to then the blame is on the groom and the rumor mill start. Under the guise of bringing breakfast for the couple in the morning after marriage and then taking the bride back to her home, the purpose often is to gruel her if they had sex or not?

Some of our clients who has not gone through premarital counseling say that they had no idea about sex and that was their first time. “When we married I really liked her but we could not consummate the marriage because it was my first time and she had no idea about sex. Her family put a lot of pressure on us and sex became and test for me. Her family threatened to have us separated if I could not do it. The more pressure they put on us the more difficult it was. It took us almost a month to consummate our marriage” (Paraphrasing comments from several people we surveyed).

Often the blame is on the groom who is expected to take the lead. The pressure sometimes leads straight to the act rather than getting each other in the mood through foreplay and beautiful talk. “Let me do it just to shut the people off rather than enjoy what Allah has blessed us to enjoy”.

Additional pressure comes when the bride and groom do not know each other, never talked or communicated with each other prior to marriage. The only thing they know about each other is through their family or match makers and through the exchange of pictures.

It is difficult to have the privacy needed for free sexual encounter if the bride ends up in multifamily home the first night where the groom has his parents and siblings living together.

The issues mentioned above are only the tip of the iceberg. All marital issues need to be addressed prior to the marriage. In many conservative societies it is considered taboo to talk about sex or boy and girl relationship. In Islam the life of our Prophet is like an open book. We should learn from his life his relationship with his wives. He encouraged young men and women to get educated about all aspects of marriage within the guidelines of respect and morality.

Our recommendations to the bride and groom are:

1. Getting to know each other before marriage is Sunnah of Rasool Allah SWS. A sahabi came to him and said I want to get married to such and such. Rasool Allah asked him “Do you know her and does she know you?” He said “No” Rasool Allah replied go find out about each other first.

2. Both bride and groom should educate themselves about sex and how to please each other sexually. Make it fun rather than a test for yourself.

3. The couples who go through premarital counseling course are more confident of themselves to have a successful married life. We highly recommend one from a reputable source.

4. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It must be started on the right track. Make every moment a memorable one.

5. It is not the families who should be judging you in any way shape or form or making decisions for you when or when not to have children. Children are a blessings of Allah SWT. It is up to Allah SWT when to bless a couple with children. Keep outside interference OUT.

6. Sometimes bride or groom take antidepressant medicine to overcome the anxiety of marriage. These medicine may have side effect on the sexual activity of the individual.

7. It is always a good idea for the couple to rent a room in a hotel for a day or two after the wedding. The environment and privacy play a major role in bringing the two together and excel in the intimacy.

8. The tradition of bringing the bride back to her home the morning after the wedding needs to be reconsidered and in our opinion abolished.

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