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As I entered the hotel where the Nikah (Wedding) was I noticed a nice sports car parked in the front of the hall where the wedding was to take place. Before the wedding, the host announced for the attendees to go look at the car that was to be given as mahr to the bride. About a year later I met the bride in shopping mall with a little baby. How is the car? Are you enjoying it? I was anxious to find out about the car she got in mahr. She responded with a meaningful smile “What car? I am not allowed to touch it.” How many marriages are taking place without recognizing the significance of this important element of Islamic nikah. It is not something that is just put on paper and then not fulfilled as an obligation, or unnecessarily delayed or try to pursue and push the bride to forgive.
During marriage counseling or premarital course many of my clients are not clear about what mahr is, why it is paid or when it is due? All they know is that it is an essential part of the nikah. Biggest misconception is that mahr is for the wife to sustain herself in case of divorce and therefore it is not payable till the couple is going through divorce. How sad it is connecting this beautiful concept of mahr being a welcoming gift from the husband to the bride as she come to live with her husband. They hold the mahr payment thinking that it is not due till then. There has been a number of cases filed in the Western countries court system contesting it if it is payable or not. This article is an attempt to clarify this and other misconceptions.
What does Quran and Sunnah say on Mahr?
In Islam Mahr is cash, jewelry or other tangible items that is given as a gift by the groom to the bride after Nikah. It is her right and an obligation for the husband to give preferably before the consummation of the marriage. In some cases when the husband is unable to give the whole amount part of it may be deferred to be paid later. Allah talks about the dower (Mahr) in a couple of places emphasizing that it is due to pay it to make your wife lawful for the men. Allah says in Surah Al-Ahzab 33:vs 50
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ إِنَّا أَحْلَلْنَا لَكَ أَزْوَاجَكَ اللَّاتِي آتَيْتَ أُجُورَهُنَّ
[Al-Ahzab 33:50] O Prophet! We have made lawful to thee thy wives to whom thou hast paid their dowers (Mahr)
And then again in Sura Al-Maaida 5:5 (Lawful unto you in marriage) are chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book, revealed before your time,- when ye give them their due dowers (Mahr).
Paying this mahr is obligatory, because Allah has called it “fareedah” obligation in the Quran and commanded Muslim men to pay it “happily” to their wives. Allah says in Sura Nisa 4:4 “Give women you wed their due dowries (mahr) graciously.”
There are a number of places in the hadeeth of Rasool Allah SWS where he emphasized the importance of Mahr for the wedding. It is said that Prophet Mohammad SWS told a young man
“Go and look for something, even if it is a ring of iron.” (Al-Bukhari)
Abu Dawood (2125) and al-Nasaa’i (3375) narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas that ‘Ali said: “I married Faatimah (may Allah be pleased with her) and said: ‘O Messenger of Allah (SWS), let me go ahead with the marriage.’ Rasool Allah (SWS) said: ‘Give her something.’ I said: ‘I do not have anything.’ He (SWS) asked: ‘Where is your Hutami shield?’ I said, ‘I have it with me.’ Prophet SWS then responded, ‘Give it to her.” Classified as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i, 3160.
This was the mahr of Faatimah, the daughter of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), the leader of the women of Paradise.
Who should decide on the mahr?
The hadeeth and seerah of our Prophet SWS and the history of the Khulafa and Sahabah indicate that it is the boy and the girl who settle and decide on the mahr. Parent’s involvement is minimal encouraging the groom to come up with something tangible for the bride. The trend has changed now where the culture seems to dictate and the bride and groom has minimal or no say in it.
“Mahr was not discussed till the day of the wedding. Just before the Nikah ceremony the parents started haggling back and forth for the amount without involving the boy and the girl. It came to a point where the groom side threatened to take the marriage procession back. It was a disaster as the news of the dispute started to spread in the guests. The groom and the bride had their own idea of how much the mahr should be but were shut down”.
Is there a mahr amount set by Shariah?
In discussion of Mahr for an Indo Pak couple the boy’s parents insisted on keeping it to the equivalent of 32 rupees, insisting that this is sahariah mahr according to the Sunnah of Rasool Allah SWS. Even the groom who was born and raised in the US objected to this notion. I did not find any valid hadeeth and evidence from the seerah of our Prophet SWS confirming this amount.
Abu Salma Bin Abdul Rahman says that he inquired from Hazrat Ayesha RA “How much was the Mahr that Prophet Mohammad SWS gave to his wives. She responded He gave “twelve uqiyah and a nashsh” as mahr to his wives, which amounts to approximately 500 dirhams.
Ibn Maajah (1887) narrated that ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said: “Do not go to extremes with regard to the dowries of women, for if that were a sign of honour and dignity in this world or a sign of piety before Allaah, then Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would have done that before you. But he did not give any of his wives, and none of his daughters were given, more than twelve uqiyah. A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her and says, ‘You cost me everything I own, and caused me a great deal of hardship’.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah, 1532.
“Do not go to extremes” means do not exaggerate in increasing the dowry. “A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her” means, until he begins to hate her when he is still paying off the debts incurred because of this mahr because it is too hard for him, or whenever he thinks about the matter. Ref: ‘ala Ibn Maajah.
Mahr should be paid happily on time:
Mahr is the exchange of first gift from the husband and wife. He should do it readily and make it a happy occasion. Sending the message of love. Allah SWT says in Sura Nisa 4:4 “And give the wife (on marriage) their dower (mahr) happily”.
Allah further says in the same sura 4:25 “and give them their dowers, according to what is reasonable”
A few additional issues:
Ali and Asma (Not their real names) talked about Mahr and came to good understanding as to how much it should be. However, Asma’s parents had different idea. They called for a meeting with Ali’s parents and asked for an amount that everyone felt was outrageous. When Asma confronted her parents, the answer was “This is what we want on the Nikah document so we can show the community with pride. If you want a different amount, you can always forgive the rest. What you do is your own business.
When parents start to think short term like this, they fail to recognize the long-term effect this may have on their daughter’s relations with her husband. This may leave in impression on the husband that my in-laws do not care about my financial situation. In many case this has lead to start of resentment and marital dispute.
This type of thinking is nothing more that ignorance and should be condemned and avoided for the sake of the future of the happiness of their daughter.
Parents need to realize that mahr is the right of the bride and not that of the parents. She should have the freedom to use it anywhere she pleases. No one should have to right to force her to share it with anyone or use it for something she does not like.
In some cases, the groom or his family try to convince or force the wife to forgive full or part of the mahr. The husband may request for her to consider in case he had full intention to pay it but his financial situation changed to financial difficulty.
Not intending to pay it is not acceptable according to this hadeeth: Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet SWS said “ Whoever marries a woman on the condition of a dowery he does intend to pay her, he is an adulterer. Whoever takes on a bebt he does not intend to pay pack to its owner, he is a thief” Ref Musnad al-Bazzar 8721
Mufti Taqi Usmani In an article says that mahr is an honorarium (gift) that the husband give to his wife willingly and happily. It should not be considered as a cost paid to acquire a property, or force her to provide services in return. It is a token of love and respect to her.
Mahr is a very important part of the marriage. Its amount and fulfilment should not be considered lightly but discussed and then implemented to its full extent diligently.
Fulfillment of this obligation should add to the love and happiness to the marriage of a couple. May Allah bless us with the wisdom and courage to fulfill this important obligation
Khalid Iqbal, founder of Rahmaa Institute, is a mechanical engineer. He created Rahmaa Institute because of his passion for working with non-profits. Rahmaa Institute focuses on issues related to marriage, conflict resolution, divorce, domestic violence, and anger prevention. He is the author of the 2016 Anger and Domestic Violence Prevention Guide for the Muslim Community. Khalid is a speaker on family and marital issues and has developed a comprehensive eight-hour premarital counseling course. He has been married for 50 years, and has three wonderful children and 10 grandchildren. To share comments about this article, please contact the author at Rahmaa.Institute@gmail.com
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