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By Rafia Tahir
Marriage is a sacred bond. In Islam, marriage is encouraged as it forms the foundation of a stable family unit and, in turn, a wholesome community. The importance of community values and brotherhood is already quite apparent from the life of the Holy Prophet (SAW), as he established the society of Madinah on the principles of group cohesion and unity.
Aside from being integral to the social fabric of a community marriage also prevents immorality. It provides a legal and permissible way for individuals to fulfill their physical desires. The Holy Prophet (SAW) was reported to have said the following from the authority of Hazrat Abdullah bin Masud (رَضِيَ ٱللَّٰهُ عَنْهُ):
“0 young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford It should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.” [Sahih Muslim, Book 16, Hadith 3]
There are many other benefits of marriage, like the division of labor, merging of resources, and emotional support that comes with the union of two individuals. Muslims must prioritize marriage because it is a Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (SAW) and embedded in our very nature as it was the first human relationship that Allah (SWT) created.
Allah (SWT) created Hazrat Adam (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ) and made a companion for him in the form of Hazrat Hawa, peace be upon her. Here is a Quranic verse reference from Surah An-Naba in which Allah (SWT) proclaims:
“We created you in pairs,” [78:8]
This indicates that men and women getting married is the natural order of things that brings harmony and balance into the world. Yet, marriages have been on the decline. There has been a consistent decrease in marriages each year globally.
Along with a sharp decrease in marriage since the 1960s, there has been a rise in the number of divorces. This means that fewer and fewer people are committing themselves to marriage and those who are married are more likely to get divorced.
This is a worrying trend as it has given rise to children being born out of wedlock and single-parent households. One of the leading causes of divorce among couples is the lack of personal boundaries and space. In certain cultures around the world, like South Asia, this problem is much more prevalent.
Married couples often struggle because of the continuous interference of their families. It is difficult to make a relationship work when there are so many people involved. Balancing the demands of other family members as well as their significant others can take a toll on a relationship. While blood relations are not easily severed, the relationship between a husband and a wife can become collateral damage under such circumstances.
The idea of privacy is very clearly defined in Islam. While Muslims are commanded again and again to respect and care for their parents, this respect should not come at the expense of any other relationship. Spouses need to develop boundaries so that their personal space and privacy are not intruded upon. Otherwise, this could give rise to division within the marriage and feelings of discontent.
Here are some practical ways in which couples can set up boundaries for themselves and have privacy within the marriage:
Space is necessary for married couples to have privacy. It allows them to bond with one another without the fear of any kind of interference or intrusion. Ideally, a newly married couple should have their own house. However, if they cannot afford one, then a room and kitchen of their own will also suffice.
This will allow the wife to have some control over the household affairs without infringing upon the space of the mother-in-law, as this may become a point of contention. Every woman needs some amount of control over household affairs and having a space of their own, even if small, easily satisfies this need.
Husbands also need privacy with their wives to fulfill their marital desires. At the same time, the concept of privacy also extends to the spouses as well. Marriage should not erase one’s identity but rather enhance it. Husbands can have their hobbies, jobs, likes, and dislikes, and the same goes for the wives. Equality, respect, and justice form the foundation of happy marriages, along with love and trust. If any of these ingredients is missing, then the marriage is not a happy union for at least one of the parties involved.
Communication is a skill that can make or break a marriage. Lack of communication can spell disaster for a marriage. It is recommended that spouses have an open communication channel where they can discuss any topic.
No matter how hard a discussion may be, such as those involving other relationships. However, it is better to have everything out in the open rather than keeping one’s thoughts to oneself, until it becomes impossible.
Having open and candid conversations prevents grievances from mounting and allows spouses to work things out and come up with solutions to seemingly difficult problems. It also enables married couples to share their feelings and emotions without the fear of being judged or reprimanded.
If a spouse confides in the other, then it is a sacred trust. Allah (SWT) has made marriage special because it enables us to have someone we can trust fully with our secrets. In Surah al-Baqarah, Allah (SWT) says:
“You are allowed to sleep with your wives on the nights of the fast: They are your dress as you are theirs. God is aware you were cheating yourselves, so He turned to you and pardoned you. So now you may have intercourse with them, and seek what God has ordained for you. Eat and drink until the white thread of dawn appears clear from the dark line, then fast until the night falls; and abstain from your wives (when you have decided) to stay in the mosques for assiduous devotion. These are the bounds fixed by God, so keep well within them. So does God make His signs clear to men that they may take heed for themselves.” (2:187)
The comparison to a dress for spouses is indicative of how the relationship represents protection and privacy. Husbands and wives should guard their privacy and protect one another, just like garments safeguard our bodies.
Even when they are living alone, couples cannot live without having connections to other relatives. Every relationship is significant in its own right. Believers must know how to strike a delicate balance between respecting every relationship without compromising on the boundaries one has defined.
This means even if you have to tell a close relation that they may be going beyond those boundaries, to should do so in a respectful manner. The tone should be kept firm yet kind. There is no need to start a conversation in a combative manner, as that will only push the other person to become defensive.
Balance requires a clear definition of boundaries and communication of grievances if and when these boundaries are transgressed.
Maintaining a healthy and happy marriage is becoming more and more challenging by the day. We are too caught up in ourselves and disconnected from Islam to realize the importance of marriage. Marriage is a sanctimonious bond. It needs to be protected as such.
Our religion teaches us to set boundaries for ourselves because it is only human nature to expect a level of privacy from every relationship. Since married couples are companions in every sense of the word, their need for privacy is even more significant.
It can be hard to balance and define boundaries, but it is necessary to take some difficult steps to ensure that things go smoothly in the future. Getting married is a big change, and it can be quite challenging; however, that is the beauty of matrimony.
Author Bio:
Rafia is a certified Quran scholar and Islamic content writer based in Pakistan. She is passionate about educating and inspiring others through her writing, promoting a deeper understanding of Islamic principles. She occasionally writes articles for Muslim And Quran.
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