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Be sure to do your homework before getting married
Many unmarried individuals in their 30s are self-conscious and start to think that something is wrong with them. They feel pressured to make a hasty decision, especially when family and friends start pressuring them with sarcastic jabs and subtle suggestions.
Interesting discussions are taking place during workshops, seminars, and on social media about marriage among Muslims. Men and women who are ready to marry have concerns about the ever-increasing separation and divorce rate among couples of all ages. Their close friends or people in their circles whom they perceived as being in ideal relationships are seeking separation or divorce.
There have been a number of studies outlining the reasons for marital discord and relationship failures. Some of the key reasons identified are anger, domestic violence, addiction, outside interference, lack of intimacy, poor communication, distrust, shameful extramarital relations, financial issues and over-spending, and more.
Many Muslims are delaying their decision to get married and struggling to look for the right mate, but are not sure what constitutes that perfect mate. In this article we attempt to address what causes relationship failures, and what mistakes to avoid while making this life-changing decision of finding the right soul mate.
Delaying Marriage
Thirty-six year-old Hafsa (not her real name) felt physically exhausted and mentally drained after another sleepless night. She couldn’t decide how she felt about a potential marriage match. She met him online through a Muslim matrimonial site and went back and forth for weeks before she and her family decided for the two families to meet in person. He seemed like a nice and charming fellow. He held a senior position at a reputable company, and was recently divorced with one child. He had shared custody of his daughter with his ex-wife.
Hafsa and her parents prepared for the visit and discussed how best to approach the family. She was adamant that she would handle this meeting with positivity. However, after meeting him and his family, she again felt unsure of the match.
She had more than a decade of college and university education, whereas he did not have the same level of education. The difference of ethnicity was also an issue. And she was not sure about his explanation of the reason of divorce. She was worried about sharing parenting duties, especially should they have their own children in the future. She had many more questions and doubts that kept her awake all night.
In the past, several proposals slipped away from Hafsa because of her rigid demands. Over the years, she thought her demands came from a place of maturity, not realizing that her inflexibility was restricting the choices available to her. Also, at age 36, the choices she had in younger years were not as many or as good as those she had 10-15 years ago. Hafsa often wonders if delaying marriage because of “education” or “financially settling down in life” was a wise idea.
She feels frustrated as she looks around and see most of her friends married and settled in life. She has changed her circle of friends, finding others like her who are single, never married, or divorced. But she feels life in that circle is gloomy and miserable.
A Pew Research Center report based on U.S. Census statistics finds that the age at which men and women marry for the first time has continued to rise to record levels over the past 50 years. In 2011, the median age at first marriage was an estimated 28.7 for men and 26.5 for women. This means that among people of marriage age, half of men don’t marry until at least about age 29, and half of women don’t marry until at least about age 27. In 1960, the median age at first marriage for both men and women was in the early 20s.
American culture has changed in the past 50 years with greater social acceptance of unmarried individuals living together. The stigma of cohabitation, sex, and having children among unmarried couples has dropped and is becoming a common fact.
This trend unfortunately is also increasing in Muslim community also, possibly for different reasons. The Institute for Social Policy and Understanding’s 2020 study shows that 35% of Muslims of marriage age are still unmarried and seeking a potential partner.
Our Prophet Mohammad SWS in a hadeeth on marriage said, as narrated by Abdullah:
We were with the Prophet (ﷺ) while we were young and had no wealth. So Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e., his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.
There are many other benefits to young people of marrying at a younger age, including good choices among potential life mates. There is the excitement of enjoying marriage and growing together, rather than expending energy on worry and negative thinking. Earlier marriage allows couples time to enjoy each other’s company and work through life’s challenges together. There is also the benefit of having energy to enjoy children, and not to mention taking advantage of higher fertility among women in their younger years.
Those couples who marry earlier evolve in their lives together and support each other through the earlier years, rather than develop entrenched habits as single people over a decade or more before marrying.
Marrying for the Wrong Reasons
Many unmarried individuals in their thirties are self-conscious and start to think negatively about themselves that there is something wrong with them. They feel pressured to make a hasty decision, especially when family and friends start to push with sarcastic jabs and subtle suggestions. This dynamic is worse for those who have younger siblings waiting in line for their turn.
Some individuals with family problems like domestic violence or financial issues feel lonely or desperate. They are likely to make a poor marriage choice and to lower their standards when choosing the right mate.
When selecting the right person as our life mate, we all have our own ideals in mind. Prophet Mohammad SWS guided us to look for a number of things, but especially deen and good character in a person that we are marrying.
We recommend that you specifically be careful not to get involved with the wrong person who either is not compatible with you or has character issues. Here are a few things to watch out for.
Addicts
You do not want to be attached to anyone who is an addict. Whether the addiction is to alcohol, drugs, women, gambling, or pornography, all of these have a very negative effect on healthy relationships. Addiction often leads to inconsistent and unpredictable behavior, outbursts of anger and violence, irresponsibility, emotional emptiness, lack of sexual desire, frequent bad moods, and lots of ups and downs in the relationship.
Players
This personality type does not respect the sanctity of a monogamous relationship and misdirects sexual energy to other people outside the marriage. They undermine trust and feelings of marital intimacy and hurt the foundation of the marriage itself.
Debtors
Some people are financially irresponsible and lack control, buy things unnecessarily, constantly carry debt, don’t pay bills on time, and continue to borrow money from financial institutions or family and friends. They may also be financially unfaithful, doing these things behind their spouse’s back and making purchases the other person wouldn’t support or agree with.
Recently Divorced or Widowed
While divorced or widowed individuals can make wonderful spouses, the issue is with how recently those events happened. This is because the trauma of divorce or death of spouse is still fresh in their minds, causing anger or sense of loss. They might not be ready for a new relationship and could carry some fresh hurt or trauma from their loss. It’s better to wait until more time has passed and healing has occurred.
Habitual Divorcers
This type marries for pleasure and not to settle down for good. They are adept at finding faults in others, even with the smallest of issues. They do not have resilience or staying power to see the marriage through difficult times, and might marry for the wrong reasons.
Ungodly People
They have no or little connection with Allah. These people are more conscious of worldly things and affairs and overlook the most important tenets of their faith. Their lack of faith has a negative impact on the religious practice of others in the family, too, and sets a poor example for children.
Mama’s Boy or Girl
This type of person remains under the total influence and control of the parents after marriage, which leads to multiple relationship issues and has a negative effect on the new family. And some newly married couples are forced to live with the husband’s parents or parents, who continue to exert financial control on the spending of the new couple and exercise their influence over important decisions that should be between the new husband and wife.
Instead, marriage is a union of a man and a woman legally united to live as husband and wife and to fulfill each other’s sexual and emotional needs under the blessing of Allah SWT. Allah has created all living things on earth in pairs of male and female.
سُبْحَانَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْأَزْوَاجَ كُلَّهَا مِمَّا تُنْبِتُ الْأَرْضُ وَمِنْ أَنْفُسِهِمْ وَمِمَّا لَا يَعْلَمُونَ {36}
[Sura Yasin 36:36] Glory to Allah, Who created in pairs all things that the earth produces, as well as their own (human) kind and (other) things of which they have no knowledge.
Positive Approach
The Quran enjoins Muslims to select partners who are good and pure (tayyib).
وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ ۚ
[Sura Noor 24:26] and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity:
People use different criteria for selecting a life mate, starting with superficial criteria such as looks, beauty, wealth, status, hijab or not, beard or not, etc. On top of this, some also look for religion, character, compatibility, and outlook on life issues such as relationships, domestic violence, anger, finance, children, personal habits, etc.
We recommend that everyone set two types of standards and qualities that one should look for when selecting a soul mate.
We strongly recommend a good premarital course prior to finalizing the marital decision.
It is our responsibility to try our best as husband and wife to create a family of harmony and tranquility. It is our duty to practice patience and show our best character in our relationships to overcome the challenges of life. May all Muslim couples have a beautiful and tranquil married life with love and mercy for each other.
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
[Sura Rome 30:21] And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.
I want to end this article with a beautiful quote from an unknown author. This quote has meant so much to me during the past 50 years of my married life.
There is no greater happiness for you approaching the door of your home at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of your footsteps.
Khalid Iqbal, founder of Rahmaa Institute, is a mechanical engineer. He created Rahmaa Institute because of his passion for working with non-profits. Rahmaa Institute focuses on issues related to marriage, conflict resolution, divorce, domestic violence, and anger prevention. He is the author of the 2016 Anger and Domestic Violence Prevention Guide for the Muslim Community. Khalid is a speaker on family and marital issues and has developed a comprehensive eight-hour premarital counseling course. He has been married for 50 years, and has three wonderful children and 10 grandchildren. To share comments about this article, please contact the author at Rahmaa.Institute@gmail.com
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