After all this how can I trust him?

By: Khalid Iqbal Founder Rahmaa Institute
Posted March 19, 2016

Our 14 years of marriage has been like a roller coaster. We have four children 13, 12, 10 and 8 years old. My husband is a great father and good provider to the family. In the early years of our marriage my husband was extremely active sexually, sometimes forcing me into kinky acts and positions. About 2 years ago I started to notice a major change in our marital relationship as husband and wife.

I truly used to love my husband, but some recent incidents have put in a big hole in our relationship that lead me to completely lose my trust in him and our marriage. It started with an inappropriate text from a girl. Then it was pictures and more texts. There have been several incidents over the past year that brought me to this point. I confronted him, and he exploded in anger, saying that I had no business going through his phone. That is attack on him invading his privacy. After heated discussion and threats of me leaving him, I think made him realize how serious I was and he ultimately apologized. After that, I began to occasionally sneak and check his cell phone because the trust was broken and I was paranoid. A few months later, one of his male co-worker text him a picture of him again very inappropriate inviting him to a sexual encounter with him. I was so shocked that I cried for days. I didn’t even had the courage to confront that my husband is into haram activities with other men also.

All of that started to make sense that why we were not as intimate for the past couple of years as we were in the past. I felt like puking and did not wanted to be with him in the room alone let alone sleeping with him on the same bed. I just couldn’t take it, if it was not for kids I would have left him right away. I exploded on him one day, initially he denied and then he again got extremely angry for exploiting his personal space and privacy, but on the threat of me leaving with the kids. I was blown away by his remark that his mistake was that he didn’t delete the messages and pictures right away. No regrets or apology for his totally inappropriate actions

Being paranoia I would go through my husband’s jacket, briefcase, his car and phone whenever I would get a chance. I came across condoms …which he says he found in the house. At the same time, in light of everything that has happened between my husband and I’m nervous that he is cheating. After me confronting him, he has been very secretive with his briefcase and cell phone (it’s with him at all times, even when he sleeps).

Now that the cat is out of the bag, some of the immediate family members and elders know about the situation. They are insisting that I should forget and forgive my husband and should move on with our life for the sake of preserving our marriage and children. My husband’s parents seem more worried about their reputation in the community especially because all of his siblings (sisters) are home divorced from their husbands. My three older children especially girls knows about some of their father’s habits and they hate it. They especially the girls do not want anything to do with their father. Even I have issues trusting him with the children alone.

At this point, I’m tired and disgusted. It feel like marriage is a joke to my husband. I’ve prayed for our marriage. I’ve cried a million tears all the time. He is aware that the combination of these experiences were very hurtful to me and disturbing to the children. I expressed to him that it’s been difficult to forgive him because when I do, something new comes up.

In a recent lecture and I wish my husband was there listening when the scholar said it takes one mistake and only moments to shatter the trust and may take ages sometimes years to rebuild and gain it back. The scholar also said that that Allah loves those who forgive for his sake. It seemed to me as if the lecture was only for me reflecting on my personal situation. May Allah give me the courage to forgive and I do want to forgive and move on with my life, but I want my husband to be more open, straight forward, truthful and transparent with me. He must stop being secretive with his briefcase and phone etc. He must stop lying. He insists that he’s not hiding anything, but I don’t believe him. Since he’s the one that broke the trust, shouldn’t he be taking the initiative and work hard to repair it if he wants to keep this marriage?

At this point, I feel as though I should be preparing myself for separation possibly leading up to divorce. I’d rather live alone and take care of my kids rather than to live a lie. I am doing Istikhara asking Allah for guidance. I am so confused and want support, help and answers. Am I overreacting? Please write to me at

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