Case Study B3 – What Should I Do? My fiancé just dropped a bombshell

Case Study #21

By: Khalid Iqbal Founder Rahmaa Institute

I am totally confused and am in a huge turmoil. I don’t know what is expected of me or what I should do? My fiancé took my promise not to share with anyone, not my family, parents, friends anyone. Not being able to talk to anyone even to seek advice is killing me inside. I am confused and lost.

I and my fiancé have become quite close through our daily whatsapp conversations and skype chats. The wedding preparations are in full force being only two weeks away. We share more things now and I know he is religious and prays and fast regularly. I never wanted to ask him about his past. I don’t know how it started but he volunteered to tell me about his past but before dropping the bombshell made me promise not to share it with anyone and foolish of me that I agreed. I agreed because of what I have come to know of him I thought of it can’t be serious.

He told me “This goes back to 13 years when he was in college he was in a relationship with a girl who was non-Muslim. He was naïve, young and stupid to think that he was in love. During the 8 month of relationship they had sex multiple times. He said he was heartbroken when she dumped him after 8 month of relationship for a different guy.

He has changed a lot since then, turned to religion and tell me that he never had any other relationship since that time. He said he didn’t had the courage to tell this to me before because of the fear of losing me. But finally had to because he could carry the guilt of not sharing his past no matter how dark it is. He said it is a matter of trust.

Since our engagement we converse almost every day. We both are in love with each other. That is why he said he could not keep this secret to himself. My dilemma is what to do? Should I go ahead with this marriage or look for someone else? I am almost 30 year old and it will be hard to find a good practicing Muslim like him.

While in University I used to see “Good brothers” fooling around with non-Muslim girls. Sex seem to be readily accessible to young boys and I am sure many took the opportunity to explore and had sexual relations. What guarantee do I have that if I decide to marry someone else will not have experienced the same but don’t tell me? Is there a wisdom in not knowing about such actions ever?

I have not slept for days now since he told me. We have not chatted since then either. My dilemma is:
1. Is it permissible and advisable for me to go ahead with this marriage?
2. Was it better for him not to reveal it and stayed quite? I would have never known about it.
3. Is it fair for him to share this with me now, only two weeks before our wedding?
4. If not now when do you think he should have shared it? Right in the beginning? After the marriage? or never?
5. What effect having knowledge if this will have on our marriage?
6. Is that going to affect our marital intimacy? Would it be in the back of my mind when we will be intimate with each other?
7. Should I break my promise and tell my parents or someone and seek advice? I can tell him that I will need to break my promise.
8. What will that do to my future husbands respect in the eyes of my parents? Would they respect him or not?
9. What if the news is leaked out to the rest of the family and friends? What kind of gossip will that start?
10. If I do that and then go ahead with this marriage will he have a trust issue with me not keeping my promise?
11. Would I ever be able regain the trust or would I always be on the edge in the future?

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