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By Khalid Iqbal Founder Rahmaa Institute
Posted: March 20, 2016
Building bridges of trust with your loved one
Taqwa or being concious of Allah is repeated multiple time in the Islamic Marriage Khutba (sermon). A couple who base their relationship in Taqwa of Allah is always aware and concious of what they are doing in presence and in absence of their spouse. One part of the khutba is in ayat from Sura Al-Ahzab 33:vs 70-71 where Allah (SWT) is reminding us to speak nothing but the truth, straight truth and noithing but the truth.
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَقُولُوا قَوْلًا سَدِيدًا {70}
[Al-Ahzab 33:70] O ye who believe! Fear Allah, and (always) say a word directed to the Right:
يُصْلِحْ لَكُمْ أَعْمَالَكُمْ وَيَغْفِرْ لَكُمْ ذُنُوبَكُمْ ۗ وَمَنْ يُطِعِ اللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُ فَقَدْ فَازَ فَوْزًا عَظِيمًا {71}
[Yusufali 33:71] That He may make your conduct whole and sound and forgive you your sins: He that obeys Allah and His Messenger, has already attained the highest achievement.
Being truthful to each other is the basis of a strong bond and foundation of a happy marriage. It builds an unbreakable bond of trust between husband and wife. Trust that is one of two central pillars of a happy marriage, the other being communication.
It is easy to break the trust by one lie or mistake or wrong action, once broken may take a long time sometimes years to build it back. Often once broken the trust can never be built back to the same level as before.
Trust can never be taken for granted. Just because you think you are a nice person people should trust you for everything. Just like a bridge that connects two people together needs constant care and maintenance.
Why Trust Matters?
You may be wondering, what’s the big deal about trust? Isn’t it something that comes naturally with love? Not necessarily.
Before we go into and discuss why trust matters I feel we should clarify what trust is and the different types of trust.
The examples from the seerah of our Prophet Mohammad and his wives was based on the truth and complete trust in Allah and then in each other. It was the truthfulness and trust that attracted our Prophet first wife Khadija to ask for his hand in marriage with her.
It is said that a person came to Omar RAA the second khalifa as witness in favor of someone. Omar RAA asked him how well you know this person. He said I know him well enough to vouch for him and his character. Omar RAA asked him three things 1. “Have you had financial dealings with him?” He responded “No”. Then he asked “Is he your neighbor?” and he replied again “No”. Then Omar asked him his last question “Have you traveled with him long distance?” and again he responded “No”. Then Omar said you can’t vouch for him as you don’t know him well enough to trust him with your money, your family or your wellbeing.
Marriage is a long life journey in which you trust your partner for his or her wellbeing, with money and your life. In marriage trust is:
What Break Trust in Marriage?
1- When your spouse hear news from a third party instead of you.
This is the biggest deal breaker. Your spouse always look towards you for information, good or bad. When that is not the case doubts start to develop as to why and what else is he or she is hiding. We stress in our counseling to keep in mind that doubts and suspicion although is disliked in Islam but is natural and often leads to trust problems.
2- Lie
It all start with an innocent lie, but often multiply into uncontrolled trail of lies and deception. So make sure to establish a truthful character in the sight of your spouse and especially children from the outset of your relationship. Don’t preach your children say the truth and then the phone rings and you ask you child to pick and say that “dad or mom is not at home”. Have zero tolerance for lies, big or small, in your family. If you take “small lies” lightly, it may make your wife or husband think, if you can lie about something insignificant, what else would you be lying about?
3- Deception
Mostly arrogant people are the one who deceive others thinking that they can outsmart their boss, colleague, partner or even small things at the store or in public to the outsiders. You may be thinking it is not a big deal but in the mind of your spouse and children it may create doubts about your truthfulness and personality
This is what Prophet, peace be upon him, warned us about:
“Whoever has (the following) four characters will be a hypocrite, and whoever has one of the following four characteristics will have one characteristic of hypocrisy until he gives it up. These are: (1) Whenever he talks, he tells a lie; (2) whenever he makes a promise, he breaks it; (3) whenever he makes a covenant he proves treacherous; (4) and whenever he quarrels, he behaves impudently in an evil insulting manner.” (Bukhari)
4- Insecurity
Insecurity leads to suspicion, anger and depression. Either your own or your spouse’s insecurity may lead to situation that may not be true but often creates misunderstandings leading to broken trust. This may especially be true in mixed gender relations and irresponsible use of social media
If there are settings that make your spouse uncomfortable or if there are certain activities that make them anxious and insecure, regardless of their reasoning, it’s a good practice to avoid these as much as possible. Of course, any action, environment, or company that displeases Allah and is against Prophetic teachings should be avoided to begin with. Make sure you are aware of the Islamic limits on gender interaction and social engagements, whether in person or in the virtual world of text-messaging, phone conversations, or chatting on Facebook.
5- Wrong Friends
It is said that a person is known by the company he / she keeps. Smart couples choose their friends that they spend time with carefully. Many parents are selective because of the impact friends have on their children If you hang out with righteous friends you will tend to follow the same path. Many homes are in trouble because of the unnecessary gossiping or gender mixing and inappropriate interaction, or bad habits. It is dangerous to hang out with friends who frequent huqqa or sports bar.
6- Social Media
The new norm is to share your life that sometimes ago was private with public. Some people display inappropriate comments or pictures on facebook or other social media. Internet is like a bottomless pit. Once put on the internet cannot be withdrawn or retrieved.
7- Porn Addiction
This is one of the most destructive act anyone can do to destroy their marriage. It is an addiction that start innocently but may lead to shameful and wrongful acts. Once started is difficult to give up. It leads to spousal neglect and the person become untrustworthy. Allah prohibit such act in the Quran. Sura Al-Mu’minoon 23: vs 5-6
وَالَّذِينَ هُمْ لِفُرُوجِهِمْ حَافِظُونَ {5}
[Al Mu’minoon 23:5] Who abstain from wrongful sexual acts (Protect their private parts),
إِلَّا عَلَىٰ أَزْوَاجِهِمْ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُمْ فَإِنَّهُمْ غَيْرُ مَلُومِينَ {6}
[Al Mu’minoon 23:6] Except with those joined to them in the marriage bond, or (the captives) whom their right hands possess,- for (in their case) they are free from blame,
What happens to trust when you rush to hide what you were surfing on the net when your spouse try to peek in? It is a start of suspicion and destruction of trust.
8- Listening is part of communication
It is extremely disrespectful if you are pretending not to listen to your spouse. Selective listening is disrespectful and slowly erode the trust between spouses. “I told you so, but you never listen” is a common complaint from the spouse of a selective or inattentive listener. Small things such as letting your spouse know what your plans are for the day, who you intend to meet and why, and what your school, work or travel schedule will be like, will help strengthen their trust in you.
9- Trustworthy partner is there when needed
Recently a brother went for a weekend of hunting while his wife was in the hospital. Everything in life is important and should be a personal choice but at the right time and in moderation. Our Prophet PBUH used to support his wives in all house chores and was there when he was needed. We must also support each other in all aspect of our family life. They should count on you when needed.
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