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Case Study L1 – My Husband was Addicted to Porn and Fantasies

By: Khalid Iqbal Founder of Rahmaa Institute
Posted on January 2, 2012

It was by chance that I found out about my husband of 29 years addiction to porn. I was using our laptop and innocently searching through his photos. We have our own log-in for the laptop but that day mine would not work and he gave me his to use. The photos were disgusting and shameful. My initial reaction was of shock and shame. How could a father of three grown up children and soon to be a grandfather behave this way. I spent many days and nights crying not sure who to turn to.

Finally I had the courage to confront him. His initial denial was hurtful. Then it turned to anger and wrath on me. He said I had no right to infringe on his privacy. He accused me of being too religious and pious and that I don’t fulfill his sexual desires and fantasies. Innocently I asked him what they were that I was not doing for him. I had never refused him when he asked for it. His response shocked and sent shivers down my spine. He said his fantasy was for him to watch me to have sex with someone else, preferably a stranger. He said he often think of it himself being with someone else while have sex with me.

I could not believe what I was hearing and almost puked just at the thought. It was so shameful even to look at him. How was that possible for someone who pray and fast regularly, attend the mosque whenever he can. Have raised wonderful children, now ready to be a grandfather.

After six months of separation and him going through treatment and counseling we are back together but my dilemma is that I may have forgiven him but I just cannot take the dirty images out of my mind and can I trust ever trust him again. Each time we are in bed together I feel ashamed of being there.

We hardly have sex together, and when we do I end up staying up all night or have nightmares of bad things happening. I want things to go back to where they were prior to this incident. I want to respect my husband. I want to enjoy our grandchildren, but since then our son and daughter in Law moved away from us and want nothing to do with their father. We are having difficulty with our younger son and daughter to get married. We bicker and fight a lot. There is a lot of blame game as to who is responsible for our current problems. I pray a lot but still have these feelings of mistrust.

I am lost and am looking for answers. If anyone has experience with such calamity please write to us and share what was your situation and how you managed? Please write us at Rahmaa.Institute@gmail.com